a month. or so.

it's been a long time, dear blog. i'm writing for a newspaper in portland. i have a job. my apartment walls are still yellow. but i am here, and happy still. even though it feels sometimes as if time has stopped, and if i'm not going forward, i look back at my old posts and see that, indeed, time has passed. those thoughts and feelings have changed, some irrelvant. it's a public diary. i'm not sure why i've chosen this.

it's fall now, nearly winter. there are yellow wet leaves all over the sidewalks, and a night i can hear the rain pounding on the sidewalk outside my bedroom winter. i like it when i can lay beneath the blankets (we've all had that moment, haven't we?). especailly when the boy is next to me.

i made a mistake, though. out of nowhere i told him that i love him. i told him that he meant something to me. at that moment, i meant it as deeply and profoundly as i possible could. he has not said it to me though, and there is a stiffness. me, who has always fought so valiantly not to be "that girl who says such dribbe" has turned into...that. i spoke with my best friend on the phone about it. he said, "welcome to being a real human being."

in a sense, i suppose he is right. why is it wrong to be in love? why does it scare people off and make the toes curl in the way you don't want them to. i'm not sure that i understand. i love you. but i may not be here forever, or want to live with you in a small house somewhere for the rest of our lives, or even have you fall in love with me (although that third part is a lie).

i thought he loved me, i felt it, and now it's gone. perhaps just for a time.